Passages

By A.J. Llewellyn

The past few days have brought about a huge change in California weather. We have gone from 90 degree temperatures of last week to 50-60 this week. Some people are grumbling...me, I'm singin' in the rain.

I love the changes of season and yes, we do actually get them here like I said. I'm like a kid in school who is happy to hunker down and write...not like the summertime when everybody else is out playing and I'm stuck doing homework.

Deadlines schmedlines. Bring 'em on!

Passages.

I'm observing things slowing down...my beautiful, aging dog is showing increasing signs of fragility. I hang on to every moment with her. I watch her death-like sleep, relieved when I see her chest rise and fall. She is like a falling leaf, a spectacular, dazzling, brilliant creature I cannot, will not give up on. I coax her every movement, willing her to go on. For me. I need her and I love her.

She still has her usual ebullience, wanting to go out in the rain. She wants to walk, but her body gives her aches and pains. She wants my attention. I give it. I watch her struggle to lie down and I learn so much from her. She does it all with no complaints.

And yet I hear adults moaning about clouds and a bit of rain.

People cancel lunches, business appointments and dates because of potential rain.

Passages.

I've lost so many people I love recently. My darling friend and neighbor, Gia, died in childbirth. Her death also took her baby son, Samson.

The grief still clings to me. I wish its leaves would fall. Nursing my heartbreak feels like a harbinger of doom.

I don't want to lose anyone else...especially not my dog. I find myself bargaining with God. I won't shop online. I won't play Diner Dash. I will take 30 days of non-stop rain. I will write longer days...I will do anything.

Just let me, please, please, have my dog.

Passages.

An old aunt died last week. I feel so guilty because my cousin and I promised her numerous times we'd go visit. We didn't. And now I will never know what wisdom, what wonderful tales she might have told us.

This season, about to bring my favorite times of the year - Thanksgiving and Christmas - reminds me to take the time to slow down. Savor each leaf.

Passages.

I wonder how soon I can start playing holiday music without my neighbors going bonkers. I love the sight and smell of warm spiced cider in the market stores.

These seasonal foods too are like falling leaves. I love them as I eat them, mourning the fact they won't come around until next year.

Oops... if the Mayan calendar is wrong and we don't all perish then.

Passages.

The rain has come back. My dog has lifted her head to the sound. Content to be inside, dreaming of...what? Mobility? I hear her happy sigh as she shuts her eyes, her head on her paws.

Passages.

A friend of mine tried to take his own life a few weeks ago. I've stayed in touch with him each and every day, trying to remind him of all his reasons to live. This is not his first attempt and I hope his leaves aren't falling.

I love my life. I love this weather. I will make a bargain with God. I'll sweep up leaves for the rest of my life if he lets my friend find joy.

And if he please, please, please...just lets me have my dog.

Aloha oe,

A.J.