Hey all,
Did the title scare you? Relax. CJ hasn't crossed over to "the dark side". But that is exactly what this blog is about today. The stigma this "fetish" has among the rest of the population.
What do I mean? What kind of stigma am I talking about? Well, let me tell you a story.
Now, most of you know that I flirted a little with this topic in the great story, Don't Spank the Vamp. In it, some more vanilla types of BDSM were used. Namely lite bondage and some spanking. When I did the research for the book, I found that even though they might not admit it in polite company, many couples who have a healthy sex life have in some way tried out a little BDSM. And it was interesting to see how the subject made a lot of "normal people" uncomfortable.
Right now, I'm writing a new novel. One of my hottest. It's called Incubus and as the name reflects, it's about what happens when an innocent is sacrificed to an insatiable sex demon.
In the story, there is a part where the demon ties our heroine up and initiates her in the sexy art of bondage and alternative sexual positions. But while I've done some "personal" research on the subject, *grin*, there were some things I wanted to do in the story that I hadn't any experience with. So I had to go do some more research.
And what I found shocked me.
As I googled different words trying to get to where I wanted, I found myself really struggling. For the average person who doesn't know their way around the BDSM community, it's almost impossible to find any "real" information. Everywhere I tried turned out to be porn sites, extreme BDSM blogs and even some horrible graphic rape sites.
And don't even ask about the images that came up. *shudder* Now I'm not a prude, but my stomach turned at some of what I saw.
Now, my point is instead of finding real information on BDSM so I could make sure my scenes were accurate and true, I was inundated with disgusting pictures and stories of violence and abuse. And I'm a damn good researcher who knows her way around the web.
So, is it any wonder a regular computer user, someone who might be curious about BDSM, wanting real information, maybe even to try it out, takes one look at what they found online and runs the other way? Is it any wonder many "normal" people believe that those who practice BDSM are sickos and perverts? All because of what is perceived through a google search.
Such is the power of the internet.
Now I persevered, and I found the information I sought, but it was tough going and took me twice as long as normal. Yet I was able to find the truth. That this activity isn't sick and it doesn't have to be violent. BDSM is NOT synonymous with torture. Far from it.
As with anything else having to do with sex, if both parties are willing and enjoy it, then BDSM can be a satisfying addition to the bedroom scene. (if you don't try it somewhere else first)
But until the perception changes, the first thing you find as you google may be all those sites that show this type of sex as vicious, abusive and violent. And that's a shame. Because anything that can add to a couples pleasure shouldn't be labeled as perverted, it should be applauded and embraced.
Stepping off my soap box...
Until next month,
CJ England
Follow Your Dreams
http://cjengland.com/luckbealady/luckbealady.htm
10 comments:
Great post, CJ. It's too bad the information isn't easier to obtain.
Good Blog, CJ, I looked into the subject myself at one time and frankly, I found it to be a little unsettling, even if some of the extreme things are consensual.
A little bondage and spanking is one thing, but hardcore bdsm seems humiliating and painful. So does public sex and loaning, trading and giving of Subs between Masters and Doms.
Thanks, Amber
And you're right. Sometimes I wish google would file types of things together so it would be easier.
All I know is what I saw would really put me off.
Dee,
Exactly. I was VERY unsettled. And like you, a little is good, but some of what I saw, even the "okay" parts were over and above what I'd be comfortable with. But then I don't even write menage, because I'm uncomfortable with sharing at all.
LOL
CJ,
When I was working on a ship out of Port Canaveral I used to patronize a store called Fairvilla. They sold sex toys, BDSM gear and stripper clothing. They had a huge collection of XXX DVD's and erotic and porn literature.
I had a friend on the ship who had her own slave in Chicago. Once when we were at sea she used my Sat phone to call her slave to tell her what she should be doing and making sure she was wearing the clothes she was ordered to wear. Before she hung up she had her slave talk to me.
My friend used to talk to me about "The Lifestyle." She gave me several web sites used by Lifestyle people. She also told me about two books on the subject. One of them is called SCREW THE ROSES SEND ME THE THORNS and one other I don't remember. They were guides to safe BDSM by consenting adults.
One of the women who worked in Fairvilla told me about a group who would hold what is called a Munch where those interested in joining the club would get a vanilla version of what they did and made arrangements to see the real thing if they wanted to join. One of the books had a list of munches held in different parts of the US. I even found two listed for Southeastern Virginia.
I don't think I ever would have found the information if not for my lesbian friend.
A little aside. I took her to a gentleman's club after we went to the movies and bought her a lap dance with one of the dancers I knew.
Ray
Ray,
Wow. Thanks for sharing. You were able to learn more than I did and I had the whole bloody internet at my fingers.
Cool.
I'm with you CJ. I have run across some things that made my toes curl. It's to bad it's that way.
Phylis,
It's all too true. And since I'll probably use more of this in future stories, I'll have to deal with it again. *sigh*
Early morning to you C.J. I'm a submissive and happily 'owned' by my Master. One conclusion everyone seems to draw about Ds and BDSM is that it's all about sex. Theoretically, it has nothing to do with sex. I won't deny sex is a wonderful additive, but it's not the basis on which a BDSM relationship is discovered. Keep in mind though, the most sensitive human organ in a sexual conotation is the brain. For many it's about the mind .......game. Then, for many it's about the sensation. I have a t-shirt I love that says "I'm not a pain slut, I'm a sensation junkie."
With bondage, it's the feeling of vulnerability and helplessness. With the spanking, yes, it's the pain. Pain releases endorphins into the system which put the recipient on a natural high.
If you have questions, please feel free to come talk to me, I've been living this lifestyle for 10 years, not long in the grand scheme of things. Of course, my sister, the non subbie says it took me long enough to figure it out. If I don't have answers for your questions, i have a wonderous resource at my fingertips...all i have to do is tap into it.
dawnie
dawnie,
Thank you so much for your offer. I'll gladly take you up on it. I know I will be writing more about this subject and if I have a source who can help me make sure I have my facts straight, that would be wonderful. Please email me at womanofthewind1@yahoo.com and we can stay in contact.
And love the T-shirt.
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