I’m Damn Glad I’m Not A Virgin!
I know I’m going to catch hell for this, but the above, for me, is really true – I’m damn glad I’m not a virgin!
Surprised? Y’all shouldn’t be. Maybe I should start this off by saying that lately I’ve seen a lot of stuff on TV about the goodness of virtue, the upside of waiting to have sex until you’re married, and even more missives along these same lines. And, every time I see this stuff flash before me I nod and go along with it because I know it’s how I’m ‘sposed to feel, I know it’s politically correct, and I know it’s how things really ought to be. But, for me personally, the real truth is…..
I’m damn glad I’m not a virgin!
Wanna know why? Let’s face it, if y’all didn’t wanna know why you wouldn’t be here reading this, now would you? That being said, I can break it down for y’all in three different ways, and they happeneth to be:
1.One, I’m fifty-three years old and rapidly gaining on fifty-four. Given that, if I were to tell any of y’all out there reading this that I was still a virgin, you’d wrinkle up your brow and immediately think one of the following three things:
A. Ed’s weird.
B. Ed must still live at home, tote a blankie, and suck his thumb.
C. Both “A” and “B.”
So see, it wouldn’t even be considered normal for me to be a virgin. Plus, given that most folks that know me know that I have two kids, you’d have to do some pretty serious ponderin’ about the likelihood if it. If I still told y’all that I was a virgin given that, then y’all would be thinkin’ some things that we don’t even need to go into here. Now or ever. So on to #2.
2. Now that I know what sex is like, damned if I could ever go back to the way it was years ago, it’d be like giving up Elvis music or Captain Crunch!
…and I do mean years ago….
Look, sex is fun, fun, and then more fun after that. Even the worst I ever experienced was great, and the best was so good that you can only wish that one day you’ll have even more experiences to enter into the competition! Sex is fun, makes your neatest body parts feel their best, gives you a good aerobic work-out, and can potentially bond you even closer to your partner. And even if it doesn’t, it gives you a good, sleazy memory that you can always look back on with great fondness in the years to come. Believe me, more than one of us poignantly reminisces on items other than lemonade stands or spelling bees in our pasts…
3. If I were a virgin, I’d have a lot less stuff to write about!
It’s true, you know. Let’s face it, my first book was called Sex, Dead Dogs, and Me, and it actually sold some books. Ask yourself how I could’ve written it if I were a virgin? Hell, the title story and a damn good bit more would never have gotten in there on account of I would have never experienced the things that I wrote about in the first place! And, given the fact that I have a new Christmas novel coming out later this year, and given the fact that if it sells I might get a chance to put another book out sometimes after it, and given the fact that some of my material does seem to come from groinocologically-related matters, then it only stands to reason that being a virgin would hurt me literarily! I wouldn’t have enough material to write books about, hell, I might not even have enough to fill up a Campbell’s Soup can label up with.
So see what I mean? If I were a virgin I’d have to give up both sex and being an author, and why in the hell would I want to do that? So please everyone, allow me to wallow in my decadence, and allow me to keep on enjoying life as I have been. Be fruitful and multiply – I guess you could say that I definitely enjoy the being fruitful part, and my multiplyin’ days are long since over. And now that y’all know that the focus of this article was a bit different that its marketing-oriented title would suggest, y’all can leave me whatever missives you’d care to below…..