First off, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there! Mother's Day originally started as a war protest, but it has evolved into a day to give thanks to all the moms out there and all the hard work they do. Before becoming a sex and erotic romance writer, I worked as an activist helping moms (especially abused moms) in contested custody cases. I was also a political writer.
I had to give it up about three years ago because the hate mail, death threats, and stress from the unpaid and largely unappreciated work finally got to me. I had decided I'd had enough. Today, I am much happier as a sex and erotic romance writer. Whilst I am not rich, I make a nice living from my writing. I just started a new writing gig with Sex Is Magazine, and I'm very excited. In a sense it's a raise and promotion, since I'll get more exposure with Sex Is and I'll be paid more than I was paid for writing for Nuts4chic. I get fan mail now, which is a nice change from reading e-mails saying I was a bitter Feminazi cunt who hated men (I'm not exaggerating the language, either). I've been a feminist for the past decade, but some recent events have caused me to reconsider my feminist credentials.
I have been negatively judged for my sex and erotic romance writing by people I had originally considered colleagues.
I noticed a few days ago that my blog had been quietly removed from the Feministblogs blog, after having been on it for over ten years. I wasn't even given the courtesy of notification or a chance to defend myself. And that's just the latest negative thing that has happened to me. What's ironic to me is that there are feminist bloggers who consider themselves "pro-sex feminists", but I'm a REAL pro-sex feminist. I actually write about sex, sex toys, and erotic romance. I dive head-first into sex blogging, unlike the neophytes who only get their toes wet. They don't take any risks, like I do. I did get a huffy e-mail about six months ago from a feminist who told me that I needed to remove my blog from the Feministblogs blogroll because she didn't like a post I wrote about sex dolls. Since my post didn't meet her expectations and didn't talk about how some men abuse and mutilate sex dolls, I didn't deserve to be listed on Feministblogs. I didn't agree with her, and left it at that. I have a feeling some huffy, purse-lipped women complained about my posts appearing on Feministblogs, and now I see that I am no longer on the blogroll.
This isn't the first time feminists have turned on me because of my sex writing. During a phone call with a woman from a feminist group that worked on women's issues in family court, she told me that (1) she couldn't pay me, (2) she and the group valued my input, BUT (3) due to my sex writing the valuable information I gave her would have to go uncredited because I was considered a "liability". This crap came from the same types of feminists who had rarely paid me for my writing, rarely promoted my work, rarely sought my articles for publication in their magazines, or rarely recognized and credited me for my hard work. I had looked for paid writing work in feminist publications and women's issues work for years, but no one had even given me the courtesy of a "thank you for your application" e-mail. So, when I discovered that not only did I have a knack for sex writing and erotic romance writing, but people were eager to praise me and pay me well for my work, I jumped at the chance. Hey, I have bills to pay and I can't live on an occasional thank you. I still wanted to do the feminist work, but once I started the sex/erotic romance writing, I noticed my former colleagues suddenly started ignoring my e-mails. I knew what was going on.
About a week ago, I was recommended to a new feminist group that is marketing itself as the latest women's group that will change the way women's issues are viewed in the U. S. (Yeah, I know. Highly unlikely to have any real impact, but it sounded exciting.) I have not heard back from them, and I know it's because of my sex and erotic romance writing. These are people who cannot get adequate air time and print time for their views, yet they rejected me - one writer who has had a following all those years. It seems that it's okay to be a pro-sex feminist only as long as you aren't REALLY a pro-sex feminist. If you make a living from sex writing, erotic romance writing, and love sex toys, you aren't a "real" feminist. Being delisted from a blog I had been on for over a decade was the last straw.
So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm finished with feminism. In many ways I still consider myself a feminist, but after the shitty treatment I got from women who call themselves feminist, I'm done with it. Women who work as sex writers, erotic romance writers, and sex toy reviewers expect some criticism from what we do because (living in the U. S.) we live in a hypocritical and sexually stuffy society. The U. S. is both hyper-sexed and Puritanical. Talk about cognitive dissonance!
I love sex writing, erotic romance writing, and sex toy reviewing, and I have no intension of giving it up. If that means I have to turn in my Feminist Decoder Ring, I'll be happy to give it up. I don't need that kind of judgmental shit in my life.
Have other writers here been judged because of the kind of writing they do? Have your family and friends condemned you or questioned your morals? I wanted to tell my story, and now I'd like to hear yours.
18 comments:
Don't waste your time with feminists dear. Be who you are and write what you write! Those bra burning bitches have done a service to women by elevating your status to a better place, but many have taken it way too far and have caused the pussification of the American Man.
As far as I'm concerned, you're having more fun as a sex writer...
The thing is, Sascha, is that there seems to be a gulf in my eyes between some of the live people in the movement and the theories themselves. I agree with feminist principles, but I don't like the way I have been used for a decade. I shouldn't have let it go on for so long. I was hopeful that my hard work would be rewarded with pay, recognition, and work. It wasn't. It's hard to let go of something you devoted your life to for a decade, but I'm ready now. I really don't have anything against feminism itself. I certainly don't believe it caused the "pussification of the American Man". My problem is with some of the people who treated me like shit.
I do love the sex writing, sex toys writing, and erotic romance writing. There's nothing as fulfilling as praise, money, and recognition for a job well done. I haven't realized how much that really matters, but now that I have it, I love it!
Wow, thought-provoking post.
I'm mostly "in the closet" (pun intended) as a writer of gay erotic romance based on my day job and my conservative location. My husband and several of our close friends know what I do and after some initial surprise they don't think it's a big deal. One of my friends even reads my stuff and likes it, which is flattering. :)
My family knows I write romance and they're very supportive in their way, but I am hesitant to specify exactly what kind of romance I write. I love what I do, but I don't feel like dealing with people who think my choices are their business.
As for feminism, I agree with many of its principles myself, but I don't like to label myself or lock myself into a box of any kind. Once you get into many groups, they expect carbon-copies of themselves, sadly. I guess they've found that you can't be forced to conform to their narrow-minded expectations!
Any group that doesn't practice what they preach and would be so judgmental of you shouldn't be asking you for help, that's for sure. Keep doing what you love, and don't worry about those who try to bring you down. :)
sounds like the limbaugh camp was on a writing campaign in those days..
well I love ya babe congrats and good luck with all you do
Cassandra, was it Groucho Marx who said he would never want to be a member of a group that would have him as a member? :)
I told my family pretty much the same thing you told yours. My husband, though, not only loves what I write, he edits my stories (and he's very good!). My son knows what I write, and he's okay with it, too. My mom knows I write for a living, but she has no idea I talk about hoo-has and ding dongs. LOL!
Thanks, Saroya!! Ew, Limbaugh. LOL! He's currently driving the Batshit Realm crazy with his rants on his radio show.
I love what I do and I enjoy the hell out of it. That's a good thing about erotic writing, isn't it? :)
You know what's really interesting about my former political writing? I do still hear from some of my old blog colleagues - the guys. They love the new direction my blog has taken. I know that liberal men have to have their smut. :)
Ahhh, I see. Pro-Sex Feminist is apparently someone who talks sex, but is not comfortable with their sexuality. And here all this time I thought the only real noise makers where the Radical Religious Right.
Learn something new every day.
Hey, Karl, good to see you!
I purposefully tried to stay out of the Pro-Sex vs. Anti-Porn feminist wars for years because they were so stupid and pointless. Sure is ironic how things turned out for me. No skin off my nose.
I know how you feel in the sense of being persecuted for what you write. I have gotten many derogatory remarks from women in the community and women in my family writing erotica, but the one that tops them all was when a group of men at a bar told people to keep their wives away from me because I was a witch (I write paranormal erotic romance).
What I have noticed though is that the more they push, the more self-esteem I build!
Let people say what they say, and stand proud anyway. They are the only one that is uncomfortable!
OMG, Kikki, that's just too much. Yes, let them push. You just keep writing. I'll do the same. Things look good for me. I just got a new writing gig, and that's the best part.
Militant feminists give *real* feminism a bad name. The point is to have equality and appreciate our gender, not make people feel like shit for their sexuality or put down men.
Keep writing what you like. I enjoy reading your blog entries. It's a shame that people have to be so judgemental. If they don't like it, no one else is allowed to either. That's garbage. As I've gotten older I realize what I think about me is more important than what others think about me. I have to look at myself every morning and I like what I see. Others can accept or reject me. It's their choice. Those that reject me, well, that's their loss. 3 more people will come down the pike that will accept me and we'll develop new and wonderful friendships. Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing fine!
I know what you mean, Adrianne. I've run into the militant types and I don't care much for them.
Thanks, She. I'm enjoying my sex writing very much, and the erotic romance writing is very rewarding. Both are also lots of fun to do - much more so than feminist writing. I had to take stock of my life and decide what's really important, and I made a major life change about three years ago when I changed my line of work. Now, I'm much happier and I feel much more rewarded.
I'm curious where, among the "pro-sex-up-to-a-point" feminists and the feminists who are actually pro-sex, you would place Suzie Bright? She's always been my second-favorite horny feminist (after my wife, who has not recently complained of my being "pussified").
Gee, Countess, I am so sorry! I have found myself, many times, that I am uncomfortable with people on "my side" of an issue, or they are uncomfortable with me. It's weird, all right.
I'm sorry that this happened to you because you considered these people to be friends. It's never good when someone disillusions you. Keep on being yourself girl.
Kissa
You should never be judged for your job and your passion (which are hopefully the same thing). I support you %100, screw the rest of them!
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