By A.J. Llewellyn
I have blogged before about my volunteer efforts at my local library. I work with a small group of volunteers who collect book donations for a sale on the last Saturday of every month. every dime we make goes straight back to the library.
We pay for children's programs, the water, electricity and we buy new books, DVDs and music CDs.Being the only guy among a sea of lovely, mostly retired old ladies, the task of handling the big donations of huge boxes and bags falls on me.
Often with creepy results.
I've opened boxes to find dead bats, mice, massive spiders, used voodoo dolls and condoms...you name it.
Yesterday, we met to plan our setup for tomorrow's sale and a famous actor - alas, he must remain anonymous - ran in with a massive black garbage bag.
"I hope there's no magazines or text books in there," I said.
These days even thrift stores won't take text books and magazines. We just can't sell them.
"Nope," he lied and ran off to his waiting Rolls parked in the red zone. I tentatively opened the bag and discovered a treasure trove of - eeewww - used spanking magazines.
I stared at the haul for so long, my old biddies hobbled over to see what was what.
One of them extracted a magazine and asked, "Why are some of these pages stuck together?"
Most of us laughed and one old lovely said, "If I need to explain that to you dearie, then it has been a long time since you had sex!"
"It hasn't been that long," she sniffed. "I have five boyfriends at the rest home."
I don't know about you but I spend a lot of time at the library and I have never, but NEVER seen spanking magazines anywhere on a library shelf!
What the hell am I supposed to do with these things? Why bring them to a public library when you are instantly recognizable and dump them?
People, either donate them to an AIDS hospice or bite the bullet and throw them away.
One of my old ladies were thumbing through magazines and I must say we got a good laugh out of some of the images.
As one of my girls quietly hid an issue in her knitting bag, the rest of us were examining other evidence.
"This is research for you, isn't it, A.J?" one of them asked me.
"Yes," I said.
"Don't tell me you write this stuff," another one said.
"No," I replied with as much dignity as I could muster. "My stuff has a plot."
They laughed in my face.
I am not into spanking. In my experience, my lover Herve is very open to all my suggestions, especially the ones that involve us being naked.
I make no judgements on anybody's sexual preferences...but really, the anatomically impossible task of beating your own ass as you are tied up, left most of us stunned.I am not sure I want to try the equally impossible things one guy was doing to another with an abnormally large cucumber.
"That looks like it hurts," somebody said over my shoulder.
It sure did.
"But cucumbers are good for you, aren't they?" the woman with the five boyfriends asked. "I must stop at Whole Foods on my way home..."
Since that particular issue fell open right at that page, I am betting our movie star will soon be experiencing Donation Remorse. He is surely going to miss his er...treasures...but he will be happy to know they have all gone to good use.
A few good men might be surprised with what their women come up with over the next few days and the rest of the magazines? Even our local AIDS hospice declined them, but our recycle bins were grateful to receive them all.