Almost every couple I know has a spoken agreement - mostly in jest, but clearly understood - that given the chance to bed some famous person of their fantasies, they get a free pass.
My partner and I have never discussed a Freebie List. I didn't think we needed one. We're still in that red-hot new phase...or we were until, as I blogged the other day he told me he was crazy about the character Jack on the Torchwood series.
Jack, he said, kisses with his whole body.
Well, since there seems to be only one guy on his Freebie List I suppose I could have taken it in good stride but I am A Greek-Australian man. That means, I think like an Australian, but my emotions are Greek. Gay Greek.
I needed revenge. "Oh, no, A.J," my partner moaned. "I am not watching Rock Hudson and Doris Day movies. I've seen 'em all...I-"
I laughed in his face. No, Rock and Doris weren't going to cut the mustard this time. I needed a real man to give my partner something to think about.
I needed The Sagat Revenge.
If you haven't heard of the French gay porn superstar or seen him in action, then you haven't lived. A Youtube video has surfaced of him recently, kissing a woman but there's no question the guy is gay. And yet, even kissing a woman, fully clothed, he is damned hot. Well, partially clothed. For Sagat, underpants are practically formal wear.
A casual check on the Internet will show you this guy is Freaky (his word, not mine). He has the craziest blog in history. Loads of hot photos and inexplicable videos. Weird music. Very few words on the page and most of them seem self-loathing. Oh, and he does not allow reader comments.
So, he's definitely out there and seems to revel in simultaneously being naked, then skewering his own image. You can't Google any article or photo shoot with him where he doesn't start ripping his clothes off and touching his bottom.
But I digress.
"Oh no," my partner moaned. "Not Sagat."
Yeah, Sagat. And since it was my choice and I couldn't choose, we had an entire Sagat night, the Best Of Francois Sagat volumes 1-3.
My partner of course was intrigued. "Let me get this straight. He shaved his head because he was balding and he tattooed the hair that's on his head now?"
Yep, got it.
"I'm not thinking I get the Sagat thing," my French-Canadian man said finally. "Maybe I should watch that one scene I liked...you know, the one in the living room with all the antiques...just for research purposes."
In my case, revenge was sweet.
But the Freebie List in most cases is just that, sweet. It fuels bedroom fun. A couple of days ago, a female friend who has a Freebie List called to tell me her husband was working on a TV series with the actress who tops his Freebie List.
"What if she likes him?" she asked me. My friend's husband is one hot tamale. I mean, HOT.
"Erm...well, maybe she's gay?" I suggested helpfully and my friend shrieked.
"She's going to want him!" she fretted. "Why, oh why, did I suggest a free pass? I'm tearing up those goddam freebie lists." I could hear the rustling of paper and lots of shredding.
"You've got an actual list?" I asked.
"Yeah," she panted and the ripping continued.
"How long is it?"
"Mine is two pages long." Two pages! "His list has five names. Four of them are hers."
I had to cover the mouthpiece so she wouldn't hear me laughing.
"Not funny, A.J. I can hear you." My friend sounded a bit down. "What do I do?"
What we did was this. Yesterday, I drove her to Fredericks of Hollywood, bought her some very nasty underwear and we moved on to the Pleasure Chest for a tub of Honey Dust and some naughty toys.
"I've never seen anything like this," she kept saying and I took her home, set the mood with candles and music and a good bottle of wine and I left her to wait for her husband after covering her whole body in the Honey Dust. I instructed her on how to use it on her husband and left her lying on the bed. Waiting.
I was starting to worry that maybe her husband might have a heart attack when he walked into the room, but my fantasy is to die fucking, so I decided it might be his, too.
I took her kids out for pizza and a movie and by the time I called to check if the coast was clear, my friend was purring.
"We're going to start calling this our Sagat Revenge," she giggled. "My hubby says he could get used to this."
Who needs a freebie list when you've got Revenge?