Hi everyone,
Yesterday over coffee with a wonderful woman I know, we were discussing business projects and she kept checking her infernal crackberry, er...I mean blackberry.
Cell phones have become the single biggest nuisance in the world, as far as I am concerned and July 1 can not come soon enough in California - the law will be hands free cell phone use whilst driving.
Anyway, I finally asked my friend what the hey was going on and she launched into this long tale of dating woe. I'll give you the short version of it.
They met, he wooed her with cute texts, as they got more involved, it was long phone conversations and sexy voicemails.
As soon as he wanted out, he was back to texting her - several days after she would send him a message.
She would call all her friends, polluting their brains for hours with advice on the best way to devise a cute text, guaranteed to bring him out of hiding and back to boning her senseless again. She would do an hour of yoga, light incense and after sessions with her unpaid shrink friends, muster up the courage to peck out these harmless words on her crackberry:
She: Hi, how are you? I miss you. Just wanted to say hi!
Four days later:
He: Fine. Busy.
What an ass, right? Unfortunately, she's not seeing the text for the trees. She has been dumped. Duped. Digitally avoided.
She was spending sleepless nights wondering if he was dead or injured...lying in a ditch moaning her name.
"No," I said. "He is not."
"He doesn't even pick up the phone when he sees my number now." Fresh tears streaked down her face.
"Hon, brace yourself. It's over."
With tears drenching her stupid crackberry, she scrolled back through three months of cute and sexy texts from him, trying to prove to me their relationship was live, not memorex...look, look how adorable he can be. I knew before she did that it was over, but now, as she backtracked their messages, she could see he was giving her not even the bare minimum.
He was giving her nothing.
For him, she was a done deal. He was off to dazzle the next dizzy dame with his digital dexterity.
"Gimme your cell phone," she insisted.
I resisted, but she was threatening to pull my pants down in public, so I handed over my cell phone as I wondered why the atmosphere at Aroma Cafe was suddenly so tense.
I noticed the entire place filled with people's maniacal thumbs wielding emotionally unstable, socially incorrect messages of love, loss and longing and my friend still got her bozo boyfriend's voicemail.
She handed back my phone and we ordered another coffee.
I tried to explain the digital dating world. Forget that he's just not that into you.
This is worse. In the 'old' days he would leave you a message on your answering machine when he knew you were at work. Then, with the evolution of communication, he would leave it on your voice mail. Now, when and if he feels like it, he texts you.
Fine. Busy.
Yeah, pal, so am I.
Somehow, accidentally, her elbow pressed her phone's dialing pad and she reached her boyfriend. As we talked, we could hear a man's voice suddenly saying, "Hello? Hello?""Oh, my God..." my friend paled and picked up her phone.
"Who is this?" I heard him ask.
"It's me," she squeaked.
"Me? Me who?"
Then, when he realized who it was, he apologized for his gaffe saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize your voice because I deleted your number from my phone."
Ooooooh....she'd been digitally deleted!
"What's he saying? That he only recognizes my voice when he sees my number?" she shrieked.
"Yes," a guy three tables down piped up.
"ARRRRGGGGHHH!"
My friend went home sobbing. She called me last night to say he'd sent her a text. Eight hours after their excrutiating phone call.
This is what he typed. Verbatim.
"I loved being with you. I'm not emotionally available right now. Forgive me."
"He wrote loved, past tense." My friend was racked with non stop tears.
Geez, I was impressed he bothered to even text her again...but then she is a very nice woman...and a well known one. He was being smart, not romantic. Is this what love has come to? That we are all numbers just one thumb away from oblivion?
I try to imagine one of my book characters digitally deleting his lover. Would Kimo ever text Lopaka: Fine. Busy?
Well no. My Phantom Lover series is about love and romance. Not digital delusions. And I can't imagine any romance reader would think this is a classy way to dispose of an unwanted relation ship. It's not the world I choose to live or dream. I prefer to engage with the person I cherish...I guess that makes me a dinosaur....
Aloha oe,
AJ
http://www.ajllewellyn.com/
15 comments:
No darlin,it makes you a classy person... and one with some "gumption" (look it up-interesting word). I find that in this world today most of the "young people" are too lazy, too selfish, too ignorant of the damage they do by not having the guts to face up to the reality of telling someone to their face they no longer feel the driving need to be with them (usually after they've gotten everything-including money- they can from the individual)and simply text them "long distance....
My house has become a "haven for those who have been digitally dumped.... my son tends to collect those without sense enough to realize they are simply being used for what they can provide the current partner.
Yes, I'm a bit cynical about this as I see all these kids not even able to keep roofs over their heads stripping to provide their new lovers with hotel/motel rooms till they've gotten bored and texted them they're moving on...
It's frightening to think that it's this mentality that will be running our country one day... if they have no integrity in running their relationships how can they have any in running their business or our country?Thank you for keeping your high moral standards darlin... HUGS and MUAH.
Thanks Ruth, I am glad I have other dinosaurs in my corner!!
Hugs,
AJ
I enjoyed this so much that I read it out loud to my teenage son. He laughed even harder. Why? A couple of weeks ago, he started a digital relationship with a girl that banked with me. After meeting her at the mall, he found out that she was mentally unstable with a long history of psychological problems. Scary? Yes, to say the least since she told him about several incidents were she became violent with others. Now he has vowed that the only girls he will date will be ones that he met face to face first.
What bothers me about the whole "digital relationship scenario" or "online scenario" is the fact that we are compelled to look in the first place with no regard to distance or having any connection whatsoever to the people we are talking to.
Now that's not to say I don't enjoy all my online relationships. I do. I adore everyone I chat with online. That includes you, A J. And you too, Ruth.
But I think individuals should be cognizant of the fact that they don't have to look in another state for Mr. or Ms. Right.
What happened to running into the right guy at the corner store and you find out he knows your next door neighbor's son and you know his Mom through yours?
There's a certain comfort in all that as far as I'm concerned. And no, I don't like blind dates and don't do them, nor do I rely on these chance encounters to meet someone.
But I think it's just something we should think about. And in the situation you blogged about, I too was surprised he texted any sort of a good bye. Usually those kind of people just disappear. It is, after all, so easy for them to do.
But I take it this gal and guy were in the same city. Which makes it even worse. I mean why do people do this to each other? I bet he wouldn't like it one bit if the tables were turned on him.
Seriously, is there any real way to recognize the emotionally challenged when we meet them? No. Not right away, but there should be little signs that tell us when someone is not "all they should be".
You know A J. I think that would be a good blog topic for you. You're good at talking about relationships and sharing heartbreak. Why don't you do a bit of research and find out what signs we can look for early on in a relationship that might just give us a little pause before falling head over heels and losing ourselves completely?
Great blog.
Hugs......
I did enjoy this blog so very much. I think that the "digital dumping" phenomenon is a result of a modern culture of complete detachment and disrespect. I think it is not necessarily the mode of communication which is the culprit, but the person who is communicating. It is something in his or her head that has no regard for another. Sadly, this is a common occurrence in today's society.
I think many saw on the news recently the man who was left for dead in a hit-and-run and the person crossing the street not even stopping to offer help. That person was talking into his cell phone - he was "busy"; never mind calling 911!
I see supposedly "classy" guys and gals crossing the road (at a green light!) and showing the bird at drivers who have the "gall" to get too close. I just saw a guy yesterday - he had a nice suit on and looked like some hoity-toity exec. My husband saw a "lady" just the other day. She was wearing a suit and high heels--looked every inch the corporate woman, except for her manners.
These are the people who "digitally dump" others. It is not the phone; it's the person. My husband and I met on the Internet 10 years ago. We've been married for 8 years - but it's because of the type of people we are that we made it work.
I am as forward thinking and as progressive as they come when it comes to accepting people, but I often wish I lived in another era when people were still polite and certain things were just not done. I do hate what I see around me sometimes - the breakdown of the family, a too individualistic society, neighbors who don't talk to each other.
We should be living in a society, but are we? That's my question. I think that with negative media influence and changes in ways of thinking people have become less compassionate and more into themselves. See how movies are becoming way more violent and sexual. We didn't have all this in my day, thankfully. The product of this is a person who would act in the way your friend's boyfriend treated her. A cruel, selfish person with no balls to speak of.
Then again, I must ask - and I'm being the devil's advocate here - Does your friend normally attract people like this? Another consideration to make...
Thanks for a great blog.
Hi AJ,
great post. I had to laugh a few times while reading it. But sadly what you say is more than true. It shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone because, like you said, the way we date is connected to the evolution of communication. But it's easy to say something like this as someone who is not involved. It's always hard for the one who's been dumped in such a way.
And if Kimo ever dumps Lopaka, regardless in which way, I'll be very unhappy! Very, very unhappy! And I know karate! ;-)
Christian
I hate cell phones too! All my friends have them, and text each other, but I can't stand text messaging. I'd rather try talking (novel concept these days).
I actually feel sorry for teens and kids these days, who grow up interacting with others through text messaging and whatnot rather than face-to-face. A real expression can say so much more than any emoticon ever could.
As for "digital dumping," I suppose it's the Dear John letter of the 21st century. Some people are just rude, and too wimpy to break up in person.
Hi AJ!
I've never gotten a cell phone, even though I could benefit from having the text part, But I'm fine with just leaving my computer on to see if my hubby texted me checking up on me and all. I remember earlier this year with 4 teenagers who died in a car accident due to the driver using the cell phone even though we had the law here for a while about hands free cell phone only in the car (personally to me, I think people need to pay attention driving and not use cell phone at all). I just had an opinion about this and I might be more on the negative because I don't have as much use for it as others, but I've experienced almost accidents from others being on the phone because they ignore the law.
So sad on the phone dating. I remember when I wrote a letter each day in the summer on my college break to my boyfriend, and I had a letter from him each day! Its so much different now than then. I think too the internet and cell phone gives them more routes for contacts that they'd otherwise never have and a majority of them end up being sad/bad situations. I don't mind with making some friends with those who have the same interests, like reading, that we get to know over a period of time and all, but that is so much different that those who have it to develop 'romantic relationships'
Don't get me started on cell phones. I'm with you, Cassandra. The only useful purpose they serve is if you have a flat or a breakdown in your car. The other would be an accident.
I just don't understand the fascination people get by texting each other and talking non stop on the darn things.
Oh, yes, I have one, but it wasn't before I put up a fight. I finally gave in with the promise to use it in case of emergencies and that's generally what I do.
Mary Suzanne
Great text -- I mean blog! LOL
You are not a dinosaur, you are one of the normal ones who realizes that relationships must be had in person. You have to see the person and at least hear their voice. Texting leaves little room for emotional inflection and you never really know how the person feels. My hubby was in Iraq for 6 months and we only spoke on the phone a few times (he was on a navy ship - no phones). Instead we emailed each other everyday. I can't tell you how many of those written words were miscontrused...
Today I was truly irritated when I was talking to my sister on the phone. She kept telling me to hold on and I would hear all this rustling. Finally I asked her what she was doing---TEXTING HER BOYFRIEND! I needless to say ended the call, truly offended she would text her boyfriend on the same phone she was using to talk to me... sigh...
Fantastic comments everyone! I am so thrilled I have more dinosaurs with whom to roam this planet!
Tess, how marvelous to see you on here.
Christian, I will tell Kimo you know karate!
Thanks everyone...texts...ugh I mean hugs!!! LOL
AJ
Oh how true this has unfortunately become. But for the digital-oriented people out there they'd have to look up once in a while to realize there actually are others of the opposite sex in the room to potentially meet.
fabulous blog, AJ! Digitally deleted - surely that belongs in a book somewhere, maybe the poor heroine's opening scene that sets her up for Mr. right??
Personally I'm so relieved I don't have to be doing the dating scene in this technological era - 28 years last week with the same wonderful hubby, my co-author, no complaints!
Adriana
http://www.adrianakraft.com
Adriana, 28 years? I am proud of you both!
Thanks again everyone,
AJ
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