Honestly, warping my child is my favorite thing to do. Revenge for when as a toddler he’d tell everyone in line at the grocery store my age. Payback for the time I left him in the car for two minutes and he made kitty faces at a woman through the window. She came stomping back into the store screaming that there was a child out there alone crying. Then there was the time he said he’d stay with me then turned and ran to my friend taking her son to the car. The little beast could really book it then. He’s slowed down now. I know cause I caught him and tickled him after he left a plastic spider on my toilet seat.
Yes, it’s a parent’s prerogative, responsibility, moral imperative to warp, uh, teach, the next generation. And I enjoy my work so very, very much. And my friends love joining in too, which adds so many layers.
One of the best such situations dates back to when I shared a carpool with my friend, Jane. We had a Chinese boy in the group. Jane was driving and somehow the topic of astrology came up. My son is an Aries, born in the year of the goat. So, not really meaning to speak out loud (she does this often) she said, “That makes you a horny goat.” I was still at work when I got a phone call asking what horny meant. In cubeland at the time, I told him to get his dictionary and look it up. I can still hear his twelve year old protest of, “I’m not a sexually excited goat!”
This past weekend I had a moral obligation to educate him once again. He still calls it torture. However, when I sat through a few episodes of Family Guy, I found my perfect revenge. The episode playing made reference to My Fair Lady, and while he thought it was funny, he didn’t understand the background. See, I had a responsibility here. The boy needs to know his history and if he chooses to study current pop culture, then he needs to learn the roots. Yes, we dug out the DVD and watched My Fair Lady. Seeing it again, my husband and I laughed our butts off while the child grudgingly chuckled from time to time. And in turnabout is fair play, I’ve also watched the Family Guy Star Wars episode.
But was this the end of it? Nay. I also started reading a trilogy this weekend and in book two came across a reference that disturbed me mightily. The author made a huge mistake. I’m sorry, but Cary Grant was not famous for playing Professor Higgins. Rex Harrison played the theater role on Broadway, in London, and finally again in the film. I can’t believe this gaff made it past the editor, but the author should have checked it.
So as the professor said to young Mitch Taylor at the Freshman Tea in Real Genius, “Always – Never… forget to check your references.”
This is why I’ll be learning to play World of Warcraft soon. Research for a WIP. Honestly. And maybe, just a little, so I can find a new way to warp and torment my offspring. It will give me a new way to get-down with the kids coming over Friday night to celebrate said offspring’s seventeenth birthday.
Oh, and yes, I was about ten when I had him. I started young.
Morgan Q. O'Reilly
Get Some Tonight
http://www.lyricalpress.com/ ~ Frozen available 6/2/08